Hello New Year
In 2022, I want to find Joy.
2021 was a year where many people fought for their lives. Mentally, Physically and emotionally people everywhere were forced to come to acceptance with this new world we live in. Our world is one of uncertainty, conflict and heartache.
In 2021, I fought for my life, too. I started the year in therapy and for the first time in my life, truly acknowledge the depth of difficult things I’ve had to face in my life. Five years ago, I’d have told you that so many people have had it worse than me and what I had faced wasn’t a big deal, but that was avoidance in the highest form. When I allowed myself space to sit down and think about my life, all I found was pain. Some of the pain was self-inflicted, but most of it came from things other people had done. My life is littered with abandonment, rejection, and pain.
In 2021, I chose to give that pain space. I chose to feel it the first time in my life. Let me tell you what, pain hurts. It hurts to heal. In this past year, I took the time to feel the depth of my emotions and found the fullness of sorrow and sadness. I allowed the pain to speak. I grieved for what I had lost.
Out of that grief came peace.
No longer do I feel like I have to fight. No longer do I feel unsettled. No longer do the feelings of abandonment and rejection overwhelm me. Instead, I simply have peace.
There is a weight in learning to feel. There is weight in handling grief. There is weight in the pain. Healing cost me something. It gave me life, but cost the things I held most dear.
In 2022, I want to feel the depth of emotion, but I’ve had enough sadness for now. In 2022, I want to feel the weight of joy. I want to feel the expanse of peace. I want to deeply allow myself to love. I want to find myself more gentle and kind. I want to remind myself to be humble and explore the expanse of what it means to pursue goodness and righteousness all of my days.
If I can feel the bad this deeply, how much more deeply can I feel the good?
This year, I plan to find out.