Just as I am

Earlier this month, I celebrated my birthday.  I’m definitely not a person who celebrates “birthday month” or needs a big party to celebrate. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I don’t like surprise parties or big celebrations. In fact, Ken tried to throw me a surprise party once and it was a disaster, but that’s a story for another time. What I truly want on my birthday is for people to quietly acknowledge it and give me a present.

Nothing wrong with that, right?

I want people to recognize that it’s my birthday and not forget about it, and I LOVE birthday presents, but that’s about all I need to feel loved.

When people make a big deal about my birthday, it makes me so uncomfortable.

I’ve felt pretty introspective lately, so for the first time, I really asked myself, “why?” Why does it make me so uncomfortable to just let people bring attention to me on my birthday?

Then it hit me. It makes me so uncomfortable because birthday celebrations are to celebrate the fact that you simply exist. They aren’t there to celebrate your accomplishments, what you can do for other people, but simply to celebrate that you were born. People are glad you simply keep showing up for this life.

That is so hard for me to take.

As a person who is so good at “doing” things, to realize people don’t love me because of that, but simply just because I ‘am’ is such a weird thought for me.

Nothing made that feeling of “being loved just because I” am more clear to me than my experience of the last year of my life. It was stinking hard. Circumstances outside of my control ruled my world. I was at the mercy of the decisions of other people and diary markets and family situations that I had no say in. Then, I began to face physical challenges. I started having panic attacks and had absolutely no idea where they came from or why they were a part of my life. They were things I simply couldn’t fix, no matter what I did.

I continued to be faithful. I went to church. I read my bible, prayed, and my relationship with God was stronger than it had ever been. I tithed and refused to NOT give, despite our financial situation. I prayed, I believed and I hoped for breakthrough in all the areas of my life.

Nothing changed.

“Breakthrough” the way I imagined it didn’t come. Life just kept moving on. A new day kept coming each morning. I reached this place with God where I realized I was doing every single thing He asked of me as a follower of Christ, but for the time being, God was allowing me to sit right where I was.

I felt like where I was wasn’t good enough for God. I couldn’t stop the panic attacks. I couldn’t change our circumstances financially. I couldn’t “do” any more to get myself out of where I found myself. There was simply nothing left to do.

One day, in the quiet, as I simply sat still and prayed, I felt this overwhelming realization that it didn’t matter. Right where I was was where I was supposed to be. Even where I was, I was completely loved and fully known.

I finally truly understood what it meant for God to love me just as I was.

It didn’t matter how broken I thought I was, God loved me. It didn’t matter that my best wasn’t nearly good enough, God still loved me the same.

I felt this overwhelming peace as I realized that as long as I simply kept following after God, I’d be ok. When we choose to walk outside of the grace of God, we wander into dangerous territory, but when we sit in the comfort of his amazing love, we find this peace that surpasses all understanding. After that day, I felt a deep well of grace settle into my soul. I felt the roots of who I was grow just a little deeper into the love of God, and I was just as a tree planted by the streams of water like Psalms 1 talks about.

No matter what it is you face today, no matter where you’re at, you are fully known and fully loved. You are still called to follow Him no matter what, but what you do doesn’t change His view of you. He loves you from the beginning to the end. He loves you for the fullness of who you are. You are held in the everlasting arms of Grace, and you are so, so loved.